I just read yet another article blaming giving mothers credit for Every Damn Thing (EDT) that their children get up to throughout the entire course of their lives, and I’ve finally realized why journalists keep writing these stories. They want us to share our secrets! Without further ado, I am going to succumb to the media pressure and just admit it.

The author's real life preschool daughter, who is so freaking smart. (According to science, which subject she has mastered more than you already.)

The author’s real life preschool daughter, who is so freaking smart. (According to science, which subject she has mastered more than you already.)

I don’t mean to brag, but my Kids Are So Freaking Smart!

I’m just going to list some of the causes and effects here, you know, for science. Add your own in the comments, because I know Your Kid is So Freaking Smart, too!

Pregnancy Diet:

 

  1. Forget about just eating Omega 3’s during pregnancy. I ate ALL of the omegas. Even ones I didn’t even know about until my two year old presented a research paper to me. Omega Aleph Null oils! All of them. 
  2. Magnesium? Calcium? Iron? Phosphorous? For noobs. I ate every element that wasn’t radioactive!*
  3. I had my personal chef whip up 5 high protein, balanced complex carbs, high grass -fed-pastured-dairy fat meals each day. (A little hint: have chef hide your Vitamin D3 supplements in the chocolate mousse!)

And Results:

  1. The OBs collected graffiti samples from my placentas. Talk about baby Mozarts! My children kept calendars on my uterine walls, charted out the pH variations in their amniotic fluid, finished Shubert’s “Unfinished Symphony,” and wrote a satisfactory conclusion to Mozart’s Requiem Mass that includes a new soprano solo intended for their Dear Old Ma. (Thanks, kids!)
  2. During the worst phases of my sleep deprivation while I nursed them for 45 minutes every 2 hours around the clock, my newborns related my present sufferings to the philosophies of several major world religions, past and current, as well as developing a theology of astonishing depth regarding ascesis, ecclesiology, and theosis in the Church at large as well as her members. All this in baby signs and facial expressions.
  3. By the time they could crawl, my children only put valuable items in their mouths like food, golden rings, and pearls, never** stink bugs or month-old cereal.

My Culinary and Gardening Skills:

  1. I successfully converted our third of an acre plot into an organic tomato/avocado***/bell pepper/herb/omega 3 nut/blueberry/asparagus farming suburban homestead in order to make sure my children have seasonal access to fresh Superfoods and year-round access to canned and frozen Superfoods.
  2. I keep common food preparation tools and a small sink with fresh water accessible for the children to help in the kitchen.
  3. My personal chef and I plan kid-friendly, healthy meals like quinoa patties with cilantro/avocado/pineapple salsa and fish filets with African cave beans and homemade tomato sauce with green smoothies. We have a clean plate club even though of course we don’t need one! Which 3 year old wouldn’t eat home cooked organic meals?

Results:

 

  1. Our homeschool science unit on crop rotation has become a regional standard model. The children advise other urban homesteaders and their children on how to gain the most yield in a small plot by means of vermiculture, standard composting, and careful tracking of nitrogen fixing plantings.
  2. Hahaha, don’t you just love it when your five year old has to remind you not to burn the roux for the bechamel sauce? Our little sous chef is already planning his own recipe book.****
  3. After introducing me to several foods I found repugnant about 30 or 40 times, the children let me see that I will actually eat them after all if nothing else is on offer!

Miscellaneous Predictions Based on Science:

  1. The children will always have ideal BMIs with practically no effort on their own parts!
  2. None of the injuries they incur from early participation in competitive team sports will make them less intelligent, since they have such great brains due to breastfeeding and a positive maternal attitude.
  3. Due to their extraordinary emotional intelligence, the children will entirely skip the damaging effects of junior high school.
  4. Because of their early exposure to languages via cuisine and gardening and science, the children will grow into polyglots.
  5. My daughter will be a poster child for STEM learning for girls. She will also write sophisticated articles explaining the irony of only being a poster child because of her ideal BMI and participation in the cult of the new domesticity.
  6. I will grow extremely tired of all the work at some point and will be a braless, mint-scented granny who feeds the grandchildren cookies instead of quinoa cakes.

What do you have to add? Brag away about how you are making your children successful and healthy and wise!

 

 

 

 

 

*Some of them were radioactive.

 

**Except when they were charting the comparative tastes of neighborhood bugs. (See Poster 2.i in the Collected Presentations of the Baby Science Fair, 2012, “Qualitative Analysis of Neighborhood Bugs as Tasted by Birds, Cats, Infants.”)

 

***My means of growing avocados in USDA Zone 7 is not exceptionally “legal” according to the HOA.

 

****You should read his inventive use of flour in corn on the cob, and who would have thought that chocolate ganache went so well in risotto?