Instruction Manual for My Family: How to be an Iconographer’s Spouse
Posted on November 15, 2012
I’m not much of a housekeeper, but I can totally do a household tip series on having an iconographer in the house:
1) Don’t assume the children put the red clay all over the counter.
2) Remember: part of the egg that is stuck to the bottom of the kitchen sink is also stuck on Jesus’ face.
3) Don’t look at the carpet under the icon workshop. Pretend the ground-in pigments are an extension of the art.
4) Check the quality of the paint brush left out on the counter before you set it to soak in the old jar where you rehabilitate the kids’ brushes. If it has Russian on it, leave it alone. An iconographer will soon be by to sort it out.
5) Don’t forget to buy good white wine. It’s not going to be the strongest spirit involved in the process, but it’s necessary.
6) Approve all budget requests for gold, and if you see “foil” on the non-grocery buying list, don’t assume it’s aluminum.
7) You will need to replenish pallets for the children’s art table far more often, because they will know more than you about color mixing from watching their papa (or the applicable iconographer parent). “Mama, I need some green and red to make burgundy.” Oh.
8) Best to pick which towels you don’t mind being permanently stained with pigment and just hand them over. Otherwise, whichever towel is most easily found may fall victim.
9) Your paper towels will be swiped mysteriously. This is the iconographer’s way of saying the studio ran out.
10) Just because it looks like mustard/chocolate and is in the kitchen, does not mean you should taste it. It’s probably an ochre, and it tastes like mud.
11) You’re going to need a lot more candles. Go ahead and call the nuns who sell them by the pound. Seriously. A LOT more candles.